‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ Is So F*cking Stupid, But Like You Might As Well Watch It Anyway

Here’s a fictionalised account of a conversation between the writers for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom:

Derek: Lollll, can you really make that major character say that with a straight face??
Colin: Dude, this movie is going to gross billions regardless of what lines we feed the actors.
Derek: Hmm, yeah no you right. Make her say, “it’s, like, a miracle.”
Colin: Haha love it, and that line there, make it, “Welcome. To Jurassic World,” but like super emphatic.
Derek: LMAO, you’re so bad.

That was verbatim, clearly. Point is, the script really fucking sucks. All the lines are terrible, except maybe a couple of Chris Pratt’s jokes, and there are so many plot holes it’s kind of hilarious. Actually really hilarious; I had to snigger into my jacket, but I think most people in the room agreed with me so like it wasn’t that obnoxious. And this is coming from me, a self-proclaimed good audience, for whom anything flies as long it’s entertaining or thought-provoking. Guys, I’ve never picked up on a plot hole in my life. So yeah no, this is not a good movie.

The characters are almost all laughable caricatures — the heartless animal traffickers, the wise-beyond-her-years little girl, the cowardly nerd — and most of the acting is so bad you can hardly believe it. I mean, didn’t this movie have like a ginormous budget? You couldn’t have hired a better casting director? IDFK, these are hard times, I guess. Thankfully, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are both very good actors and they pretty much pull off their dumb lines and carry the whole movie between them. Daniella Pineda as Zia Rodriguez deserves a special mention as a badass queer (although it’s never mentioned because Hollywood sucks) “paleo-veterinarian” (“it’s a real thing!” she cries) and I guess I was a bit mean about that cowardly nerd and Justice Smith does an honourable job as Franklin Webb.

Now for a bit of nuance: I enjoyed Fallen Kingdom. It’s lots of fun. Things happen a lot even if they make no sense, and there are lots of loud noises. Chris Pratt has to do a lot of pull-ups to save his life and to be honest that’s really all I needed out of this film. Chris and Bryce are real cute and banter-y, too, so that’s extra “aw” points for the whole thing. That and puppy-dog dinos who love Chris as much as we do and need saving from an island that’s about to explode! So my take is this: go see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom for the thrills and the (unintended) LOLs. Just try not to think too hard about being a pawn in the capitalist machine when you buy your ticket. (:

4/10