Is He My Boyfriend? — Iris Goldsztajn

Do As I Say, Not As I Do is an advice column designed to help you navigate any situation in life that you’re dealing with, and hopefully help others who find themselves in a similar situation. All advice is purely opinion based on my experience, and I am in no capacity a trained professional. If you’re struggling with your mental health, please seek out professional help, and reach out to Samaritans in the UK, or NAMI in the US. To ask me a question, fill out the form here.

Dear Iris,

I am the kind of guy who HATES being single, cannot emphasise this enough. In my first two relationships my friends generally criticised me for going "too fast" (saying "love you" at the end of a phone call was apparently a major pain point for them, even though we had been dating for a couple months by then). My current (and third) relationship however has seemingly the opposite problem: we matched on Tinder in February 2021, and since then (largely due to COVID) we've limited ourselves to video dates and have only seen each other in person three times.

I'm starting to get frustrated with the pace of this relationship. On our third in-person date (several months in), I asked him if I could kiss him and he said he didn't think we were there yet. And while we're both vaxxed and boosted, he's not willing to leave his home now due to Omicron having breakthrough cases. I've taken to calling him my boyfriend just to like... manifest it happening and I don't know how to ask him, "hey, are we boyfriends?" at this point. Am I just being delusional?

-Sixty to Zero

Dear Sixty to Zero,

First of all, I want to say I love that you love love. You should know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, or with wanting to move quickly. There is no such thing as “too fast” if something feels right for you. People will always have their opinions on your decisions — sure, do listen to your friends’ advice AND you can leave room for making up your own mind and going with your heart. It’s not either or.

The problem with that nugget, however, is that right now your heart wants two seemingly contradictory things: to move quickly and to be with your, yes, boyfriend. I don’t have a magic pill for you, nor can I reassure you that everything will work out exactly how you want it to and you’ll ride off into the sunset with this man. All I have for you, my love, is what you don’t want to hear: you. Need. To. Talk to him.

I’m going to tread carefully here. I want to avoid using unhelpful words like “normal,” but it does concern me that your boyfriend refused to kiss you on your third date. That’s not really the kind of behaviour you expect from someone who’s interested in you romantically. It’s not a red flag in itself (few things are!! Enough with the red flag mania already!!!), but something is clearly going on there. It could be as benign as shyness or insecurity, or it could be that he’s just not that into it for whatever reason. Either way, you need to bring this up. Soon! Ask him why he doesn’t think you’re there yet, and if his answer satisfies you, ask when he thinks he will be ready. You have a right to know!

Ditto with the pace of the relationship more generally, as well as labelling what’s going on between the two of you. Your frustration is totally understandable — these things are important to you! They may be less important to him, but this needs to be clearly communicated. You both need to open up, stat, if this relationship is to progress. You need to bring up what’s bothering you and the questions you have for him, and he needs to let you know what his expectations are. If both of these things don’t happen, your connection just can’t grow. It’s that simple.

As for how to start the conversation, there is no one way to approach it. Regarding the setup, it sounds like you don’t have much of a choice: it’ll have to be over video call. You could bring it up casually when it feels natural, or you could hit him with the classic, “can I ask you something?” and make it more of a serious discussion. If you’re nervous, well, first of all, that’s to be expected. Second, there are plenty of articles about how to approach difficult conversations out there — I’ll let you exert your (stellar, I’m sure) Google skills. In the end, though, it doesn’t matter how you bring it up, as long as you do. Rip off that Band-Aid, please, for your own sake.

You are not delusional. You’ve been dating someone you met on a literal dating app for close to a year. At the risk of sounding like a broken record — if he’s not your boyfriend, or doesn’t want to be, that needs to be a conversation, because it is not a given in the slightest. So, no, you’re not delusional, but you are closing yourself off to real connection — whether that’s with him or with someone else. Once again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Just please don’t do it with someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship back. You deserve so much more than that.

Sending you lots of love,

Iris

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